RUNNING HARD

WHERE I WAS

God had always been a part of my life even in my youngest years. I was raised by one of the strongest single mommas in the world. She raised my brother and I in church and I am forever grateful for that. When I was 15-19 is when I didn’t allow God to be the King of my heart. I was clueless of what to do.

As I went through high school, I began to go down all the wrong pathways. One of which lead me to abandoning God fully. I went from living with my parents and living the best life a kid could ask for to the most rebellious and hateful kid you ever knew.

I had lost myself and without God leading my way, I ended up at the wrong spot. I moved out of my parents’ house to live with my grandparents where I began to further explore the homosexual route. I was so lost in this figurative maze that I bought into the lie that I wasn’t who God created me to be. In fact, I thought I was a woman. I had abandoned God and was running from him as far as I could. I am not proud of it but it’s a part of my story.

Around this time, I lost my grandfather (my lifelong buddy and my father figure before my Dad came into my life). When this happened it was like I was shot through the heart and that opened a doorway for God and for the devil. Unfortunately, I chose the devil at the time. I had so much anger towards God for not healing my grandfather and losing the only person I felt like I had left that truly cared about me. From this stemmed more hatred and anger to the point where my grandmother was fearful of the person she was living with. Looking back on it now I don’t even wanna think of who I was at that time.

I chose to move to a place where I pursued sin and the pleasures of this world. I had found a roommate, and it was working out. But it was under the pretenses of homosexuality again. When I had moved, I got a job making excellent money, I started to live the life I thought I wanted…doing drugs, etc. This was a storm that would whip and turn me round and round until I landed in the hands of God once again.

HOW GOD ENCOUNTERED ME

My grandmother had been sick for a while. She was heartbroken over losing her husband (my grandfather/Poppa) and my family has to put her in a nursing home.

At the point of moving her into the nursing home I got her van and was going back and forth to see my family and especially my grandmother/Mimi. It was such a sweet thing to be able to spend time with her. I loved escaping from my own personal hell I had created by running from God. And going to see my grandmother softened my heart. It made me see what I could have been having this whole time if only I had stayed on God’s path for my life.

At a certain point my grandmother was in bad shape and she passed away. That shattered my heart; broke it into pieces but also softened it up again. I felt blinders being lifted off my eyes, and with my heart being soft again, I turned to God because turning to the devil had landed me here in the first place and I wasn’t making that decision again.

I moved back home and out of the sinful environment I lived in. I was done with it all. I started working and pursuing God more than anything. From here on out doorways beyond my imagination where opened and God took care of me. For once it wasn’t me doing all the work. God was doing majority of it and all I had to do was listen and follow. And I did just that and continue to do just that to this day.

MY LIFE NOW

God showed me that He isn’t what we make Him out to be. No matter if we think what He’s doing is bad or it hurts, in the end it is all for our good and His glory. Look at my story. There’s a lot of pain and hurting in it, but in the end it all circled back to being for God’s purpose.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future”. God held up to every single part of that verse in my life so far and I can’t wait to see what else He does.

My heart and my life are at peace now. Even in the midst of this raging storm called life, I still find solidarity and calmness in God. He is my calm in the storm. And to be honest the only thing I can think of that I didn’t have before is the Holy Spirit living within me. God is anything and everything that I need in this life. I finally have God in my life, Jesus is my Savior, and the Holy Spirit is my guide/helping hand. No material thing or circumstance matters more than allowing Him into my heart.

At Peace in Loxley, AL